Monday, July 9, 2012

&& then it hit me like a brick wall

I used to look at couples who depended on each other for happiness as if they were lunatics.  I would snort, all high-and-mighty, telling myself that it didn't matter how happy they seemed because having to depend on someone else for happiness could only lead to one thing: disaster.

After all, if you don't first love yourself how can anyone else love you?  If you aren't happy with yourself how can you be happy with someone else?  ....right?

The problem with this way of thinking, this mindset, was only recently revealed to me during an argument.  I'm not sure how I managed to overlook it for so long considering how prevalent it is in my life.

Sometimes it takes someone who loves you on all human levels to show you how beautiful and awesome of a person you really are.  Someone who cares about you as a lover, who knows all your secrets like a best friend, who is concerned for you as a family member would be, who can kiss and hug and cuddle and argue and yell and make up and pressure the secrets out of you.  That someone is instrumental for a person like me, a person is is scared to share her secrets and is insecure and afraid and used to pushing everyone of importance away.

People aren't meant to go through life alone, we are meant to go through life with a group of people holding and supporting us.  Most of us will never be happy on our own, will never feel complete on our own.  And when we give a part of our soul to someone else, how can we ever expect to feel complete without them in our lives?

We all need help being happy, and I think it's the most natural thing in the world for that help to come from the person closest to us, the person who knows us on every level and doesn't run away. No mother or best friend can know us on the same kind of level a boyfriend or girlfriend can.

Obviously, I need to be happy with who I am as an individual, but is it so wrong for me to like myself better because someone else helped open my eyes to how lovely I really am? For me to like myself better when someone else is in the mirror too, protecting and loving me and making me smile?  I don't think it is.

I've spent years trying to see what everyone else does when they look at me, but it wasn't until recently that I can glimpse it every so often.  How is someone screwed up enough to hurt themselves supposed to feel capable of loving and caring for herself without feeling the warmness it from someone else first?

So, now that I've become one of those lunatics who radiates happiness when shes around her boyfriend and can't stand being away from him because something just feels like its missing, I understand why my attempts at being happy with myself have never worked; doing it on my own simply doesn't work.  I needed to be taken by the hand and shown by someone who isn't afraid how all of my mistakes have made me a more beautiful soul.

After all, God did make woman from the rib of man, he made us in a way that forces us to depend on one another for our survival.  He made us in a way that we need one another on levels several thousand feet deeper than sex and reproduction.