Fearful

I knew with utter certainty as soon as I walked away from him that I was never going to be able to go back.  I shouldn't have been so surprised by the realization that my life with him could be completely eradicated in less than an hour.  After all, the world is too fragile to believe that anything is permanent.  But the idea still hit me hard, as if I had fallen flat on my back from two stories up. No, that would be less painful.  Anything would be less painful than the realization that I had managed to irrevocably damage my relationship with the single most important person in my life.  The idea was is still impossible to accept.

His eyes burned me that day.  Hurt and anger and confusion glossed over those pure blue eyes and splashed, nearly silent, onto the granite counter top we talked across.  All of our most serious conversations happened across that counter top.  His eyes were his most flawless feature yet also his most vulnerable.  Those blue eyes always acted as a window. A person could see straight into his soul if they stared hard enough.  Of course, I was always too afraid to take more than a glance inside; any longer and I risked him seeing something in me I was too afraid to share.

I wished, for just that day, that crying came as naturally to me as it did to him. Or at least that feeling anything besides numbness came naturally.  I must have looked like a monster, sitting across from him with a straight face and two dry eyes.  I must have looked completely heartless. I wished, for just that day, I wouldn't have been too afraid to let him in. Fear will take the courage out of even the bravest intentions. So, I walked away from him and the safety he had provided.  I left, fueled by fear, and found myself lost with nobody to call me home.

You Are Worth More Than a Million Canaries

"Babies are born knowing their self-worth; as life moves on, the comments, expectations, and attitudes of other people can wear down this natural sense of self-worth.  Self-worth is what enables us to believe that we are capable of doing our best with our talents, of contributing well in society, and that we deserve to lead a fulfilling life.  Building it up again is therefore natural, essential, and healthy."- Wikihow.

Self-worth is something that I've been struggling with for as long as I can remember (but especially lately) and something that has been on my mind lately.  Wikihow, of course, has a step-by-step to building self-worth after it has been demolished by mean people and harsh situations and devilish thoughts. (There is a step-by-step for anything that can be imagined).  Anything in bold is quoted directly from Wiki.

1. Understand the power of your attitude toward yourself and views about yourself.
 You are your biggest critic and, really, the only person's opinion that really matters.  If you think that you don't deserve to be loved, treated right, or be respected than that is how people will end up treating you. You have to believe that you are worth it for other people to.  The saying "you have to love yourself before anybody else can" is the honest-to-goodness truth.  Don't let negative thoughts creep into your head when you look in a mirror.  You are beautiful.

2. Learn to overcome a fear of self-love.
  Don't be afraid to believe that you are talented or beautiful or hot-stuff.  Healthy self-love is about being your own best friend.  That means you need to tell yourself things you would tell your best friend and treat yourself that way.  Not that I'm saying you should being self-centered and egotistic...but you are a child of God, and you should acknowledge the awesomeness of it.

3. Trust your own feelings.
If you are going to have self-worth, you need to trust your own opinions and gut feelings over anyone else's.  If you feel that something is right or wrong, even when everyone else disagrees, you need to go with your gut feeling.  You have a moral compass for a reason, and it's not to get lost.  Be your own boss. Self-worth plummets when we let others make decisions for us.

4. Stop making your self-worth conditional on other people.
When you become consumed with being what other people want, you also hand over your self-worth.  Don't be the scared puppy that everyone kicks around. That's not cool.

I struggle most with this part of self-worth.  It's not so much that I want to conform to the world, but that I don't feel worth anything if I don't have somebody's "love." If I don't feel loved in a worldly way or if somebody gives up on me, I feel like I'm not worth the effort.  I know that I can be hard to handle and hard to understand sometimes, so it's hard for me to move past the idea that I'm not worth the effort of a relationship.  Step four is hard for me.


 5. Tell yourself that you matter, err day.
...nuff said.

6. Prove your value.
Don't waste your time doing things you feel pressured into, don't weigh yourself by your job or income, and don't let opportunity stand outside in the pouring rain.    The more productive your life becomes, the better you will feel about yourself. This is especially true if you use part of your time/skills to help others. I promise.

H is for Hufflepuff

In the world of Hogwarts, there are four houses: Gryffindor (for the brave), Slytherin (for the ambitious), Ravenclaw (for smart people), and Hufflepuff.  I have yet to figure out what the Hufflepuff house's function is and why J.K. Rowling felt the need to add a house from which nothing special comes out of.  I feel like she might have just thought four houses was more asthetic than three.  There is even a video poking fun at Hufflepuff's lack of any special affinity:

But of course, while it's all fun and games to make fun of people who seem to have no special skills or natural ability to be better than most,  we don't have a right to laugh at them (except when they are extra ridiculous or trying to be funny.)  Everybody struggles with fitting in and figuring out who they are at some point in life, some poeple are just more obvious than others.  (:


This Alphabe-Thursday post is brought to you by Jenny Matlock!

On my mind...

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocricy, envy, and slander of every kind.    1 peter 2:1

Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. 1 peter 4:8

Life is full of hardships and mean people and ludicrous situations that  change relationships.  As human beings, we are each only one person out of billions.  When I think about this fact I'm amazed at the fact that every single person on this planet sees the world in a different light, has their own pasts, their own hurts, their own views, their own destinies.  It is so easy to forget that I'm not the only person hurting on this planet, that there are people who are hurting so much more than I am.

When we are angry or envious or jealous towards somebody, it is incredibly easy to forget that person has feelings and a life and a point of view too.  We desensitize the object of our ill-feelings because it is so much easier to hate on somebody if we aren't concerned with how we are hurting him/her.  It is so much easier to be angry if we are only concerned with ourselves.

But the 1 Peter tells us to cleanse ourselves of any bad feelings (anger, deceit, hypocrisy, envy, judgmental thoughts, slander, jealousy, insensitivity, etc...)  and then love every single person we meet, and even those we don't, like it is a life or death situation.  Everybody deserves a first, second, fifth, twentieth, and thirty-second chance.  Everybody deserves to feel liked and loved and important.  So who are we to take any of that away from them?  Who are we to pass judgement on a person who leads a life separate from ours, who has real feelings and real thoughts and real ideas?

I keep forgetting the simple fact that I have no right to be angry at a person's actions/words because I have no idea where they come from or why they believe what they do.  I don't know anything beyond my own world.  There are billions of other little worlds all around me, bumping into and clashing with my own, and each has a right to be here.