Wednesday, June 20, 2012

just when you think it's all figured out

Sometimes you think you know what you want for yourself, or what you need to be the best you can be but then you go to obtain those things and every single plan you have made crumples just when it's within reach.

Then what?  What happens when you are left with nothing?

Start by sitting down in the rubble, examining a handful of broken dreams and hopes, and figuring out why it didn't work out.

And then the rebuilding starts.  The restructuring of your future, your dreams and hopes, your ideas of who you think you want to be. Pick up whatever remnants are left and then make up stuff to fill in the gaps. 

But this time take a moment to be influenced by the people and things around you, by the small signs that you have been noticing but ignoring because you hate to be wrong.  Let them take part in the shaping of your soul. And don't focus on the past: let new people and experiences in.

Not taking those thing into account is probably why everything failed to begin with.

Take the time to be upset, to be disappointed.  But don't dwell too long on what you've lost because there is something absolutely amazing just a few steps into the darkness of the future, waiting for you to put your damn shoes on!

My "normal" self (the person that most of you reading this know and remember me as) would now insert a great bible verse or relation to how great our Father is and how His timing isn't the same as ours.  Except I'm not the same person you guys knew, and I'm just starting to come to terms with and accept the fact that I may never be as preachy or religious as I was, or at least not in the same way I was.  I'm starting to accept the fact that my life fell apart and the way that I put the pieces back together made me better, no worse.

If nothing else, the nineteen years and two months I've existed have been full this cycle. I build a plan, watch it collapse (usually at the most awful time), break down because of it, resist accepting that things are changing, and then embracing it and allowing myself to be remolded into something new.

All we can do as human beings is try our best not to mess up too terribly and hope that we leave an imprint on someone's life.