Sunday, September 30, 2012

Of course...

Squeezing shut my eyes, I silently pray that when I open them again my attitude will be fixed.  I silently pray that all of humanity's annoy quirks will suddenly becoming meaningless to me. I silently pray that I will be able to look around me and smile a real, unhindered smile.

Of course, when I finally get brave enough to peek out through my lashes, the world assaults me with too many annoyances.  I have to squeeze them shut and start over. And I silently pray.

I like my showers hot enough to turn my entire body bright pink.  I stand under the too-hot water, let it turn me the color of a coddled newborn, and hope that it will cleanse me of any negativity.  I hope that when I get out, wrap myself in my soft towel, and return to my 8x11 dorm room I am reborn;  I hope for a DIY baptismal.

Of course, when I turn off the water, I am still me.  I am me with pink skin and clean hair and apricot scented  armpits.  But as I walk down the hall I still feel all of that negativity dragging behind me, almost begging me to try the process again.

Most mornings, as I lay in my bed counting the  minutes before I get to hit the snooze button again,  I also make a mental list of the reason I have to get out of bed: Res life, meetings, tests, residents, boyfriend.  Because without that short list, I would just sleep forever.  Sleep is a cleansing process in and of itself.  Sleep might just be my best friend.

Of course, sometimes that short little list doesn't matter and my brain tells my body to pretend its paralyzed so that I stay in bed.  Sometimes I think my mind needs a break from the exhausting routine that has become my life.  I tend to agree.

Maybe someday I'll wake up, look in the mirror, say "You look beautiful today" and actually mean it, and then spend the entire day with no annoyances or negativity or need to curl in a ball and hide from everybody.  Maybe I'll laugh and smile and be happy without repercussions.

Of course,  That day will probably come when I quit being a wuss and face my little personal demons.  It's up to me to be happy. It always has been and I've always known that.  Yet, for whatever reason, I'm not quite comfortable with the idea that I deserve real happiness.

So for now, I'll keep my eyes squeezed shut, my skin scorched pink, and my finger on my snooze button.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Suck it up.

We are just blips in the the grand timeline of things; we are each minuscule tidbits of the world, largely unnoticed and not cared about.

So, why do we feel so entitled to things we have no true right to?  Things like happiness, easy money, material goods, or a trouble-free life.  It's incredibly easy to complain about the smallest problems in our lives, yet we have no God-given right to anything except our own bodies and thoughts and soul.  God never sat down to make a person saying, "Yeah, I want to give this girl the right to a happy marriage and I want to give this guy an easy life while in school."

No. Instead, we are born naked and vulnerable, thrown straight into whatever type of world our parent have prepared for us.  And maybe that world is spectacular and there is nothing to complain about.  Or, you are standing along with the majority of us who were born into messed up, screwy, completely life-screw-uppy worthy atmospheres.

Is it our right to feel bad for having a poor childhood, or a less-than-acceptable job, or a best friend who flakes all the time?  I don't think so.  Do we? Of course.  But we have no right to complain about employment because we don't own the right to a secure job we like.  And if we can't own the right to something that unimportant (in the grand scale of things), we sure as hell don't have a hold on the people that raise us or the actions of another human being.

The only thing we own the rights to in any situation is how we choose to look at/react to it.

And that is a fact that many people are uncomfortable embracing.  Lord knows it scares me.  It's too easy to say "Well I feel this way because X, Y, and Z happened today and it really made me upset." No.  I made myself get upset, I let myself work up to a negative emotion. I didn't own my emotions, I let things that I can't control take over one of the only things I have an absolute right to.

Gosh, sometimes I write things and wish I actually followed my own wisdom.  My life would be so much better if I could erase my sense of entitlement towards happiness and the help of others and just learned to be happy with doing everything myself and being sad every night.

Of course, there is always progress to be made, and the only way to make progress is to first realize there are things that need to change, but being accepting or content and being complacent are two separate things.

So, sometimes we need to stop thinking about our microscopic lives and remember that we are such a tiny part of such a big thing.  In such an enormous world, there is no way to secure anything for yourself except what you were born with.

And remember, you were born naked and vulnerable, with only your soul, your thoughts, and  your fragile body.  That's it. So I guess its time to stop sobbing and start taking accountability for the direction life is going, for the good or bad.