Saturday, August 31, 2013

To those who wish to feel nothing at all:

It's like being lost in a field on a cloudy night with no one around for miles.
It's the feeling of being surrounded by people and feeling completely alone.
It's participating without connecting.
It's hard and it's ugly and it sucks.

I am that girl who sits at a funeral and doesn't shed a tear.
I am that girl who is perfectly straight-faced during a traumatic moment.
I am that girl who breaks up with a boy without crying or apologizing or compromising or trying to make it easy.
I am that girl who doesn't look like she cares, because I simply don't feel anything at all.

It's this out of body feeling.  I know exactly what's happening and I know exactly how I'm supposed to feel, but for whatever reason I just don't feel anything at all.  And it's awful.

And after a few days or a few weeks or a few too many thoughts, it floods in and I don't know how to fix it or turn it back off.
And it makes me feel reckless enough to do some absolutely horrific things.

So excuse me if I impulsively punch the next person who doesn't want to feel anything square in the face.

Be happy that you feel the grass on your feet, the love of your family, the joy of hanging out with friends.
Even be happy about feeling the hurt of mean words, the threat of another pretty girl, or the anguish of death.
Because some people just feel nothing at all and then everything at once and they would give anything to feel whatever you are trying to get rid of.