Saturday, March 23, 2013

well...this is morbid

It doesn't matter.
If I feel okay for 580 days, on 581 I break.
And it happens, I just do it.
Over and over and over.
This stupid cycle never ends
If it were a substance people would call me an addict,
but it's not, so I guess I'm not.
I'm just a big girl
who was once a little girl
and I think I must have broke one day
but never figured out how to put the pieces back together.
All the duct tape in the world can't help me.
I guess I'm too difficult.
Too difficult to be loved,
or understood,
or heard (correctly anyway).
What's the point of all this
We are supposed to be good,
but why waste my time?
Why not just do what I want,
even if what I want hurts me?
In the end, we all end up as carcasses,
we all end up the same.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

magnifying glass

I get so wrapped up in myself sometimes.  I worry about myself and my needs and my insecurities and what I want so much that suddenly I look away from the mirror and realize I'm being a huge brat. And on top of my brattiness, I'm not even happy.

Who could ever be happy while taking a magnifying glass to all the imperfections in their own life?

No, I'm not getting a 4.0.
No, I'm not as skinny as I wish I was.
No, I'm not as funny or care-free as she seems to be.
No, I'm not perfect.

So what?  So what if I'm not "normal",  if I can't be "happy" like everyone else.  So what if I have to deal with this mind-numbing depression, this chronic anxiety?  Just because it's there doesn't mean I have to let myself be completely swallowed up by it. Just because its there doesn't mean I have to surrend to it.

My mind has this fantastic hobby of picking something or someone I have no control over and obsessing until even my dreams are consumed.  Past friendships that disappeared, past situations that could have ended differently, my boyfriends past relationship and how different it is than ours.  That last one gets me all the time, because I can't help but go crazy thinking that I'm not enough.  And isn't that what all this boils down to?

I don't ever think that I'm enough the way I am.  I tattooed the words "you are worth it" onto my body, praying it would remind me that I am, yet here I am blowing up snapshots of the darkest corners of my life, my character, and enlarging them until they completely overrun all of the good ones.

I don't like being a brat.  I don't really like being so focused on myself that I can't see the big picture or the people that love me any longer.  I just want to be happy and normal and I want to say "I'm great" and actually mean it.  I want to tell myself that I am worth it and not feel like I'm just kidding myself.  And maybe someday that will happen for me...but until then I need to figure out how to put down the pictures and the magnifying glass and just focus on the good.
I need to focus on the ones I know love me and figure out why so I can love me too.

I meant to write an at least semi-inspiring or positive post...but it is what it is.  I always try to write this for me, and I just hope that whoever reads this doesn't get too put off by my craziness.