Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Because this helps me figure out who I am...

Fear is the main driving force behind many of the stupid decisions that people make.

Fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. 
Fear of the unknown. Fear of falling.
Fear of being the outcast.  Fear of ridicule.
Fear of being wrong. Fear of losing control.
Fear of change.

Fear is what makes people cheat on their loved ones, play sports they hate, lie to those who are closest to them, shy away from trying something new, keep quiet when something should be said. Fear is where secrets are kept and lies are buried.

The problem with fear is that it's just like a gateway drug; it oftentimes morphs into something much worse.

Anger. Disdain. Regret.
 Recklessness. Hatred. Obsession.
 Jealousy. Insecurity.

And once you get to that point, it's hard to turn back, to reverse the negativity that's eating away at your happiness and figure out how to be who you used to be.  It becomes hard to even remember who you are in the first place.  At that point, a person just has to sit back and write out what she knows to be the truth about herself.  She needs to take stock of what is real before she can begin to expel the irrational jealousy or insecurity or hatred and get rid of unnecessary obsessions.

So, here we go. Here are the few things I know to be my truths, because I've come to realize that I've lost myself to the grip of my fears and obsessions and jealousy and recklessness.

My name is Jenna Brianne Long.
I am stubborn and too proud most days.
I hate to admit I'm wrong.
I would rather do things by myself than with others.
I rarely cry, but I am ultra-sensitive to how others treat me.
I feel called to help others in any possible way.
A good book and my bed will always be my go-to pick-me-up.
I used to cut myself because I wanted to look as ugly as I felt on the inside, 
and every day is a struggle to see myself as something beautiful.
I may have a retail therapy problem.
I put my everything into my relationships with people I love.
I am more serious than fun or outgoing.
God may have created me without a censor for my thoughts.
Confrontation terrifies me; a raised voice will send me running.
I can write well.
I was born to lead, and someday I'll figure out why.
Trust is hard for me,
but expressing thoughts I know will hurt someone is even harder.
I tend to hide behind a really good "I'm fine" mask.
I need routines and plans to avoid anxiety.
I love Jesus, but right now I have my reservations.
Sleeping is my favorite hobby.

Maybe I know more morbid truths than happy ones, but they all make me who I am and who I am is in constant transition. And hey, without trials it would be impossible to embrace the joys of life.

Life is a roller-coaster, or maybe more like a game of bumper cars: sometimes you feel like you are untouchable, awesome, and at the top of your game while other times you feel helpless, out of control, and thrown around by people who shouldn't have that power.  All one can do is ride it out, not letting the fear of getting a little beat up stop us from trying.