Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Livin Young and Wild and Free

My heart got broken in the most unexpected place, by the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected and worst time a few months ago.  A normal girl would cry, get mad, and then get over it.  I, however, don't seem to have been blessed with normal coping mechanisms.  I get angry and snap at undeserving people. I get wreckless and do things I know I shouldn't do because I'm so hurt that I'm numb.  I push away the people that love me.  And this time, I pushed away any of the faith I still had in tact after my first semester of college.   

I thought that my college experience would bring me closer to God since I entered into the experience with a good relationship with Him, a confidence in who I was, and the stubborness to not turn into one of "those" girl.  Those girls who step onto campus and throw every moral they grew up with out of the window.  Instead, what I got was a fall and winter full of struggle followed by a whole awful lot of self-defeat as I stopped working on my relationship with God (acutally, I stopped really working on all of my relationships) and focused instead on making sure that I felt alive by doing whatever crazy thing crossed my path.

I didn't want to end up this way, I didn't expect to. I am. I am thirty credits into my college career, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I have no solid faith in the one thing that has been a truth in my life for years and years. Luckily, my friends are kind and smart and here for me even when I disappear for weeks without a single text or skype call.

"Faith is funny that way.  Sometimes we don't even know why or how we have it. It's  just there, it's there to get us through things and to reassure us that anything is possible." --Vinz

"Maybe you are just turning into the person you were meant to be all along" -- Ali

Sometimes (a lot more often that not, actually), getting out of bed it too overwhelming for me in the morning and sometimes being nice and "okay" is an impossible task.  Right now I can't seem to focus on anything but myself, my own struggles, and the fact that I am nothing like the person I was seven months ago.  Of course, the core of who I am is still here; I still don't know how to think before I speak or get to class on time and I still love sitting down with a good book on a rainy weekday, but everything else feels different.  I am seeing the world so differently and I'm not so sure I like these new lenses or not.

So no, I don't want you to tell me it will be alright.  I don't want to listen to you preach or read about how awesome your God is, at least not right now.  It makes my heart sick and my thoughts negative to hear it.  I don't want to be reprimanded for doing "bad" things, or told that I'm different than who I was...I already know that I could get hurt, and lose control, and that I'm a little off-center.  I don't need your condolences or words of wisdom because no, you have no clue how I'm feeling or what is going on in my head. 

What I want is to ride this section of my life out.  I want to work on being feeling happy again, even if it starts by having fun late at night with my friends and I want to work on that without the knowledge that I'm disappointing anybody or scaring anybody or disgusting anybody.  I want more happy and okay days than I have sad, hard, and lonely days.  I know this will end, my heart will heal and my life will find some normalacy but right now I just want to do whatever it takes to feel even a shadow of happiness and belonging. 

So maybe Young, Wild, and Free is the perfect title for this little chapter in my life, maybe this chapter is what I need to become the fantastic person I'm sure to become.