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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Fearful



I knew with utter certainty as soon as I walked away from him that I was never going to be able to go back.  I shouldn't have been so surprised by the realization that my life with him could be completely eradicated in less than an hour.  After all, the world is too fragile to believe that anything is permanent.  But the idea still hit me hard, as if I had fallen flat on my back from two stories up. No, that would be less painful.  Anything would be less painful than the realization that I had managed to irrevocably damage my relationship with the single most important person in my life.  The idea was is still impossible to accept.

His eyes burned me that day.  Hurt and anger and confusion glossed over those pure blue eyes and splashed, nearly silent, onto the granite counter top we talked across.  All of our most serious conversations happened across that counter top.  His eyes were his most flawless feature yet also his most vulnerable.  Those blue eyes always acted as a window. A person could see straight into his soul if they stared hard enough.  Of course, I was always too afraid to take more than a glance inside; any longer and I risked him seeing something in me I was too afraid to share.

I wished, for just that day, that crying came as naturally to me as it did to him. Or at least that feeling anything besides numbness came naturally.  I must have looked like a monster, sitting across from him with a straight face and two dry eyes.  I must have looked completely heartless. I wished, for just that day, I wouldn't have been too afraid to let him in. Fear will take the courage out of even the bravest intentions. So, I walked away from him and the safety he had provided.  I left, fueled by fear, and found myself lost with nobody to call me home.