I've been so out of it lately. I'm not sure where my faith went, where my hope went, where my love went. I have been feeling a lot like I did when I was hurting myself, as if I'm not in my body but instead watching from above. It's such a surreal feeling, to be "living" yet not being able to feel anything from it most of the time. If that even makes sense.
The truly sad part is that I was fine with that feeling, it was like being fourteen again and being able to feel nothing but everything at once. Nobody notices, nobody can ask, and it makes me feel good....its selfish.
The past couple of weeks have really opened my eyes to my own problems, my own self. Working at Camp Friendship, a camp for mentally disabled people, caused a realization inside me of how much a soul is worth to our Lord. Every person has feelings, every person deserves to be loved. Who am I to say that I'm not worth it, that I'm not good enough? Who is anybody to say that? We are made in his perfect image!
My very last TEC weekend was honest-to-goodness one of the best things I've ever done. The people and the environment were perfect for personal growth. I had to face the fact that I'm not okay right now, that there are things and people in my life I'm not okay with right now. I had to face the fact that my faith has all but disappeared somewhere in the past half year...what a terrible thing to have to admit. Yet, at the same time, it's exactly what I needed when I needed it.
So, through all of this pointless ramble, what I'm trying to say to whoever reads this is that you are worth it and I am worth it and everybody is worth it. We need to love each other and love ourselves and we can never let ourselves lose what is most important to us, whatever that may be.
Sorry that this is such a hodgepodge of nonsense. Love you.