"I dunno...okay I guess..."
"...well what happened?"
"*insert semi-shortened version of a panic-attack, inability to do work, and general worthlessness"
"Okay, well what I need you to do is try harder. You have to put one foot in front of the other. Just tell yourself over and over you have worth and eventually you'll start to believe it."
"...okay, I guess."
"You don't seem like you really want to get better, what is it going to take to make you happy?"
"If I knew that I wouldn't be here. I just feel so awful all the time. I feel worthless and like I don't deserve anything. And even when I do have good times, like when he makes me laugh or something, I almost immediately feel bad about it because I don't deserve that moment of happiness. I just don't care anymore and I don't want to be here. I just want to be done."
"I know that depression is shitty. I know you feel shitty. But you need to do what I said and just tell yourself over and over that you are worthy or lovable and that'll help."
"Mmm..okay. See you next week."
And that's pretty much the content of my therapy session this week. This is what I pay for.
I feel like I'm stuck here and everyone around me can see that and wants to help but I can't give them proper instructions. Which is my fault. And I just don't see how I can ever be 100% okay. I just don't see how I can ever feel happy and not feel guilty about that.
But I guess my only real option is to start here:
I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable. I'm worthy and lovable.
I hate that you feel this way, and I know how hard it is to believe sometimes, but I understand. How many times I myself have wished to know how and why to go on when I get so down that it doesn't seem worth it, that I'm not worth it. I wish I could give you the cure to this feeling...I wish there was one. I just read your first two posts and then this one...and the only thing I have to say is say is, it goes on, and God has a plan. I hope you keep holding on and that you are able to accept that you are worthy and lovable, because you are. You have become a good friend that I look up to and I hope that you know that. Sorry to write you a novel, but I just wanted you to know that.
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