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Sunday, September 30, 2012

Of course...

Squeezing shut my eyes, I silently pray that when I open them again my attitude will be fixed.  I silently pray that all of humanity's annoy quirks will suddenly becoming meaningless to me. I silently pray that I will be able to look around me and smile a real, unhindered smile.

Of course, when I finally get brave enough to peek out through my lashes, the world assaults me with too many annoyances.  I have to squeeze them shut and start over. And I silently pray.

I like my showers hot enough to turn my entire body bright pink.  I stand under the too-hot water, let it turn me the color of a coddled newborn, and hope that it will cleanse me of any negativity.  I hope that when I get out, wrap myself in my soft towel, and return to my 8x11 dorm room I am reborn;  I hope for a DIY baptismal.

Of course, when I turn off the water, I am still me.  I am me with pink skin and clean hair and apricot scented  armpits.  But as I walk down the hall I still feel all of that negativity dragging behind me, almost begging me to try the process again.

Most mornings, as I lay in my bed counting the  minutes before I get to hit the snooze button again,  I also make a mental list of the reason I have to get out of bed: Res life, meetings, tests, residents, boyfriend.  Because without that short list, I would just sleep forever.  Sleep is a cleansing process in and of itself.  Sleep might just be my best friend.

Of course, sometimes that short little list doesn't matter and my brain tells my body to pretend its paralyzed so that I stay in bed.  Sometimes I think my mind needs a break from the exhausting routine that has become my life.  I tend to agree.

Maybe someday I'll wake up, look in the mirror, say "You look beautiful today" and actually mean it, and then spend the entire day with no annoyances or negativity or need to curl in a ball and hide from everybody.  Maybe I'll laugh and smile and be happy without repercussions.

Of course,  That day will probably come when I quit being a wuss and face my little personal demons.  It's up to me to be happy. It always has been and I've always known that.  Yet, for whatever reason, I'm not quite comfortable with the idea that I deserve real happiness.

So for now, I'll keep my eyes squeezed shut, my skin scorched pink, and my finger on my snooze button.